Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Saturday, May 14, 2011
Techie Upgrade
Welcome to 2011! Yes I haz mad skills as I am now able to post via phone. This is the first of what I hope will be many to come. :-)
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Love
God, it's been a long time since I've published on here. Have been wrapped up in a bunch of life stuff and, I guess, not particularly inspired to post in here of late.
CONTEMPLATION ON LOVE
Tomorrow is Valentine's Day. I will be my perennially single self. I'd like to believe that I'm single because I choose to be; however, I know that that is *not* the case. I'm single because I haven't really tried to find someone, and I haven't tried because I am filled with conflicting confusion over people I *know* but have never met in person.
The thing that is both wonderful and horrid about the internet is that it can bring you into contact with people all over the world. I can converse with people who literally live on the other side of the world as well as with people who live on the other side of the country. I have met two absolutely wonderful women this way and they have both brought so much more into my life -- their sense of humor, creativity, personalities, taste in music, movies, and women, their unique life perspective -- I have become a better, more enlightened woman as a result of our meeting/chatting online. I truly think of them as very special friends with awesome potential ... for anything.
The wonderful thing about meeting online: there's no threat, physical looks don't matter, it's all in how you express yourself and your thoughts. You have time to think before you respond to what was said, or, if you start to type your response and in the midst of typing realize that there is a better, clearer way to express yourself, you *can* and they don't see/hear your initial awkward moment, you're cool. This same thing that is also so "cool" is also what is so frustrating because you *can't* accompany a sweet sentiment with a hug, or fleeting brush of the hand across a cheek or wrist. There is a connection, genuine emotions are felt, shared, and you know that you are not alone. BUT at the end of the day you are, because those people who mean the world to you are far away, and that really sucks.
So much of love and relationships or the lack thereof is in the timing. Being ready (or not), having a desire to take the friendship to the next level (or not), following a respectful code or being ethical, these are all things that ultimately lead to or away from a love connection. As much as I fantasize about dropping in/showing up on someone's doorstep unanticipated, I know would *not* do that. I'm too afraid of having a door slammed in my face. I don't know what it is in me that always anticipates the worst case scenario, but that little voice inside my head I can't ignore. Plus, that kind of behavior is just rude and disrespectful. A relationship cannot start on a level of disrespect and have any chance of going anywhere good. Then again, to have the guts to do something like that, slammed door in face be dammed -- the courage ... confidence... WOW!
I had a dream the other night. In it there was a girl with whom I was in love in my last semester in college. I hadn't had a dream with her in it in years. I know she represents the One That Got Away in my overall history. And while there might have been a chance both for and against us ever becoming romantically involved, I'd like to believe that if I had been ready, at the time, she would have been my first girlfriend.
She was the one I had to loose. I had to learn from her not only awarness of my sexuality, but acceptance of it as well. She told me that the most important thing was not whether I did anything about my feelings, but that I had to admit to myself that I had those feelings. That was a gift because once I admitted to myself that I had feelings I had to act on them, I couldn't wish them away, they were there. In some aspect, I still have a hard time admitting my feelings to myself. It takes me a long time to realize how I feel for someone, and usually once I do realize that I've got feelings, the opportunity has passed me by, like two silent ships in the dark. This has been my pattern.
The trigger for her being in my dream was the conversation I had on the phone Friday with my friend. She called me the day after her visitor left. Of course I asked her about the visit and if she felt like a connection had been made, if it was the real thing. Her answer was that she wasn't sure, but that they had both had a lot of fun together and shared some good times. I'm happy for her, but I'm also jealous as hell. I want it to be me. Of course I haven't told her how I feel directly. She knows I love her, but I probably haven't been completely upfront with her as to how I love her. I can't imagine her not being some part of my life, yet I feel like I haven't the right to be upfront because of the physical distance, and that she may not return my feelings. I asked her if she was going to visit her visitor in the future and she said that it would be difficult because of the situation she's in, but that her visitor wanted to come back for another visit. It's the information of the next visit that triggered my dream. I know it.
This visitor invited herself out. Called her and told her she'd bought her ticket and she was coming. My friend was in a sticky situation. On the one hand her visitor was imposing, was forcing herself onto her, but on the other, money was spent and there aren't refunds for airfare. God, I would never put her in that situation! The saying that "all is fair in love and war" is such bullshit, yet it is the early bird who gets the worm, the one who strikes while the iron is hot ... My friend deserves better. I have been upfront with her about that. I don't like this visitor in her life. She needs to be put into her proper place at the bottom of the food chain. Hell, maggots deserve better than the visitor for substance.
I know my dream the other night is warning me, advising me from going down the same path and getting hurt. Thing is I feel powerless to stop it.
CONTEMPLATION ON LOVE
Tomorrow is Valentine's Day. I will be my perennially single self. I'd like to believe that I'm single because I choose to be; however, I know that that is *not* the case. I'm single because I haven't really tried to find someone, and I haven't tried because I am filled with conflicting confusion over people I *know* but have never met in person.
The thing that is both wonderful and horrid about the internet is that it can bring you into contact with people all over the world. I can converse with people who literally live on the other side of the world as well as with people who live on the other side of the country. I have met two absolutely wonderful women this way and they have both brought so much more into my life -- their sense of humor, creativity, personalities, taste in music, movies, and women, their unique life perspective -- I have become a better, more enlightened woman as a result of our meeting/chatting online. I truly think of them as very special friends with awesome potential ... for anything.
The wonderful thing about meeting online: there's no threat, physical looks don't matter, it's all in how you express yourself and your thoughts. You have time to think before you respond to what was said, or, if you start to type your response and in the midst of typing realize that there is a better, clearer way to express yourself, you *can* and they don't see/hear your initial awkward moment, you're cool. This same thing that is also so "cool" is also what is so frustrating because you *can't* accompany a sweet sentiment with a hug, or fleeting brush of the hand across a cheek or wrist. There is a connection, genuine emotions are felt, shared, and you know that you are not alone. BUT at the end of the day you are, because those people who mean the world to you are far away, and that really sucks.
So much of love and relationships or the lack thereof is in the timing. Being ready (or not), having a desire to take the friendship to the next level (or not), following a respectful code or being ethical, these are all things that ultimately lead to or away from a love connection. As much as I fantasize about dropping in/showing up on someone's doorstep unanticipated, I know would *not* do that. I'm too afraid of having a door slammed in my face. I don't know what it is in me that always anticipates the worst case scenario, but that little voice inside my head I can't ignore. Plus, that kind of behavior is just rude and disrespectful. A relationship cannot start on a level of disrespect and have any chance of going anywhere good. Then again, to have the guts to do something like that, slammed door in face be dammed -- the courage ... confidence... WOW!
I had a dream the other night. In it there was a girl with whom I was in love in my last semester in college. I hadn't had a dream with her in it in years. I know she represents the One That Got Away in my overall history. And while there might have been a chance both for and against us ever becoming romantically involved, I'd like to believe that if I had been ready, at the time, she would have been my first girlfriend.
She was the one I had to loose. I had to learn from her not only awarness of my sexuality, but acceptance of it as well. She told me that the most important thing was not whether I did anything about my feelings, but that I had to admit to myself that I had those feelings. That was a gift because once I admitted to myself that I had feelings I had to act on them, I couldn't wish them away, they were there. In some aspect, I still have a hard time admitting my feelings to myself. It takes me a long time to realize how I feel for someone, and usually once I do realize that I've got feelings, the opportunity has passed me by, like two silent ships in the dark. This has been my pattern.
The trigger for her being in my dream was the conversation I had on the phone Friday with my friend. She called me the day after her visitor left. Of course I asked her about the visit and if she felt like a connection had been made, if it was the real thing. Her answer was that she wasn't sure, but that they had both had a lot of fun together and shared some good times. I'm happy for her, but I'm also jealous as hell. I want it to be me. Of course I haven't told her how I feel directly. She knows I love her, but I probably haven't been completely upfront with her as to how I love her. I can't imagine her not being some part of my life, yet I feel like I haven't the right to be upfront because of the physical distance, and that she may not return my feelings. I asked her if she was going to visit her visitor in the future and she said that it would be difficult because of the situation she's in, but that her visitor wanted to come back for another visit. It's the information of the next visit that triggered my dream. I know it.
This visitor invited herself out. Called her and told her she'd bought her ticket and she was coming. My friend was in a sticky situation. On the one hand her visitor was imposing, was forcing herself onto her, but on the other, money was spent and there aren't refunds for airfare. God, I would never put her in that situation! The saying that "all is fair in love and war" is such bullshit, yet it is the early bird who gets the worm, the one who strikes while the iron is hot ... My friend deserves better. I have been upfront with her about that. I don't like this visitor in her life. She needs to be put into her proper place at the bottom of the food chain. Hell, maggots deserve better than the visitor for substance.
I know my dream the other night is warning me, advising me from going down the same path and getting hurt. Thing is I feel powerless to stop it.
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Sunday, March 15, 2009
Lust ( part two)
Lover, lay languidly (next to me)
Usurping unremittingly (all i control).
Silently sleeping (i'm dreaming blissfully)
Twirled tickling tongue tasting (twisting me ).
Usurping unremittingly (all i control).
Silently sleeping (i'm dreaming blissfully)
Twirled tickling tongue tasting (twisting me ).
Lust
Funny how lust creeps
in on silent feet
stalking my consciousness
and my dreams.
All i know is she was suddenly there.
The north to my compassing heart.
Everything leads to her-
putting myself in her path
so i know she'll see me.
And if she smiles or says hi
i've got a good lead.
It's a good thing sheets don't talk-
the things they'd spill about me.
i've become glutted with need
and there's no end, no rest
that would be unlikely.
in on silent feet
stalking my consciousness
and my dreams.
All i know is she was suddenly there.
The north to my compassing heart.
Everything leads to her-
putting myself in her path
so i know she'll see me.
And if she smiles or says hi
i've got a good lead.
It's a good thing sheets don't talk-
the things they'd spill about me.
i've become glutted with need
and there's no end, no rest
that would be unlikely.
Sunday, February 15, 2009
Thawing Out
I took Spring Break a little early this year. I'm quite sick of our break following Easter around the calendar each year (the most expensive time to fly ANYWHERE), and it has been so brutally frigid in my City 'O Wind, I decided to cut out early to thaw at a price that wouldn't kill my pocketbook. That means yes, I am with Mom again, and we're having an excellent time. 
The weather has been lovely and so has the food! *grins*
A big bonus is the beach babes in their bikinis too! *even bigger grin*
I finally finished that novel, Twilight. (Ugh! horribly written, but you all know me, if I start a book, I feel compelled to finish it. AND towards the end of the book it got a little better...) Purchased the latest in the Scarpetta series the other day and I plan to start it today while sunning at the beach.
Going back to work next week will suck, but it will be a shortened work week as I won't be back in the class room til Weds.
So, there you all have it. What's new in your neck of the woods?
The weather has been lovely and so has the food! *grins*
A big bonus is the beach babes in their bikinis too! *even bigger grin*
I finally finished that novel, Twilight. (Ugh! horribly written, but you all know me, if I start a book, I feel compelled to finish it. AND towards the end of the book it got a little better...) Purchased the latest in the Scarpetta series the other day and I plan to start it today while sunning at the beach.
Going back to work next week will suck, but it will be a shortened work week as I won't be back in the class room til Weds.
So, there you all have it. What's new in your neck of the woods?
Sunday, January 11, 2009
Love on a Real Train
it's a risky business-
love that is-
if you can find it here.
mostly we're tourists
standing on the platform
waiting for the train to come
(not knowing there's no Purple line
service on weekends.)
even veterans of this
battlefield (who think
they know it all)
are enraged when the fare changes.
so many personalities
jammed together in a car-
it's hard to tell
who's real, connected
and who's ephemeral.
love that is-
if you can find it here.
mostly we're tourists
standing on the platform
waiting for the train to come
(not knowing there's no Purple line
service on weekends.)
even veterans of this
battlefield (who think
they know it all)
are enraged when the fare changes.
so many personalities
jammed together in a car-
it's hard to tell
who's real, connected
and who's ephemeral.
Saturday, November 8, 2008
Election Day (Unfinished Draft)
One leap forward
surpassing generations of repression limitations
Four [shoves] back
into the closet with you
and your deviant desires.
We'll take your rights away
(after all that's what hate inspires)
isn't it amazing what the Lord
commands of his
surpassing generations of repression limitations
Four [shoves] back
into the closet with you
and your deviant desires.
We'll take your rights away
(after all that's what hate inspires)
isn't it amazing what the Lord
commands of his
Sunday, November 2, 2008
When Night is Falling (Draft--Unfinished)
under a blanket of sparkling stars
we picnic
a carnival of desire fills us
the moonlight
eerie and grey cast silohuettes
we picnic
a carnival of desire fills us
the moonlight
eerie and grey cast silohuettes
Untitled
her smile
opens a door into the sky
my heart ascends
past mind-numbing heights
she does this to me
she makes my soul take flight
lighter than air
i am there
and everywhere in this moment
all it takes is one smile
one touch
it means so much
to me
opens a door into the sky
my heart ascends
past mind-numbing heights
she does this to me
she makes my soul take flight
lighter than air
i am there
and everywhere in this moment
all it takes is one smile
one touch
it means so much
to me
Saturday, October 25, 2008
Of all These, Hope
on the day she opened
her bridal gift
unleashing all the ills into the air
surrounding her
she let Hope stay inside;
she kept hope alive
for you and me.
that "thing with feathers"
a clipped bird
that could not fly free
trapped, for an eternity-
and men whined.
how could this be?
nothing is as bad as it seems
as long as we have our dreams
for comfort.
yes hope is a bird that longs to fly free
that dreams of an unending sky
that sees eternity.
her bridal gift
unleashing all the ills into the air
surrounding her
she let Hope stay inside;
she kept hope alive
for you and me.
that "thing with feathers"
a clipped bird
that could not fly free
trapped, for an eternity-
and men whined.
how could this be?
nothing is as bad as it seems
as long as we have our dreams
for comfort.
yes hope is a bird that longs to fly free
that dreams of an unending sky
that sees eternity.
i want ... i need
i want
to gaze into her eyes while
we are talking
and not freeze
in my inhibitions
which often tongue tie me.
to speak of my soul's desires
let my passions ignite
those smoldering fires
which melts away all resistance
in me.
i need
to lay entwined in her arms
so close
our hair mingles on the pillow
and we gaze out at the sunrise over the lake
its rose tips with rust highlights
our naked skin soft
with the leftover essence of last evening's love.
to gaze into her eyes while
we are talking
and not freeze
in my inhibitions
which often tongue tie me.
to speak of my soul's desires
let my passions ignite
those smoldering fires
which melts away all resistance
in me.
i need
to lay entwined in her arms
so close
our hair mingles on the pillow
and we gaze out at the sunrise over the lake
its rose tips with rust highlights
our naked skin soft
with the leftover essence of last evening's love.
Monday, October 6, 2008
i want to write down ...
i want to write down
express profusely
how i feel about
her
but words like a mirage
are elusive
and refuse to be captured
love
it isn't enough somehow
it's too easy
a cliche
though that is certainly part of
how i'm feeling
i've been here before
i know the signs
i fall evermore
enraptured
and though it feels brand new
i know it isn't
and i haven't got anything
different to say.
express profusely
how i feel about
her
but words like a mirage
are elusive
and refuse to be captured
love
it isn't enough somehow
it's too easy
a cliche
though that is certainly part of
how i'm feeling
i've been here before
i know the signs
i fall evermore
enraptured
and though it feels brand new
i know it isn't
and i haven't got anything
different to say.
Monday, September 15, 2008
i hate the way she looks ...
i hate the way she looks
at you
adores you up close
and personal.
it should be my hand
caressing through your
silken tresses
lovingly lingering to graze the
plump lobe of your ear
softly,
slight feather light touch
while my eyes take in
your glowing scarlet blush.
i should be making you
tremble from the inside
out
as my lips parade
the length of your smooth
neck
your hands clasping
grasping me tight
to you.
i should be the one
who hears your soft laugh,
sees your sparkling eyes dancing at me
playfully,
i should hold your heart
and your soul in my hands.
but i don't.
she does
she'd better not hurt you
or i will turn wild with rage
claws extended
i'll rip her limb from limb
into submission
i will make her pay.
at you
adores you up close
and personal.
it should be my hand
caressing through your
silken tresses
lovingly lingering to graze the
plump lobe of your ear
softly,
slight feather light touch
while my eyes take in
your glowing scarlet blush.
i should be making you
tremble from the inside
out
as my lips parade
the length of your smooth
neck
your hands clasping
grasping me tight
to you.
i should be the one
who hears your soft laugh,
sees your sparkling eyes dancing at me
playfully,
i should hold your heart
and your soul in my hands.
but i don't.
she does
she'd better not hurt you
or i will turn wild with rage
claws extended
i'll rip her limb from limb
into submission
i will make her pay.
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
Lies
how many times do
you have to
say the lie
until you believe it?
or is that something
that just comes naturally
to you?
how many mirrors break
from the intensity
of your feigned smile?
how many lies must you tell
to forget about life
for a while?
what will you do
when others refuse to listen?
will your cold hearted heart
stop beating
will your pulse slacken and slow
to a sickening still?
will you for once
look in the mirror and rescue
yourself with the truth?
admit that you're not perfect
and that's okay
accept all your flaws
as well as your merits?
face recrimination and beat recrimination down.
you can do it
i have faith in you
i turn away from the mirror
and laugh.
you have to
say the lie
until you believe it?
or is that something
that just comes naturally
to you?
how many mirrors break
from the intensity
of your feigned smile?
how many lies must you tell
to forget about life
for a while?
what will you do
when others refuse to listen?
will your cold hearted heart
stop beating
will your pulse slacken and slow
to a sickening still?
will you for once
look in the mirror and rescue
yourself with the truth?
admit that you're not perfect
and that's okay
accept all your flaws
as well as your merits?
face recrimination and beat recrimination down.
you can do it
i have faith in you
i turn away from the mirror
and laugh.
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
Scar
raised white lines
dried up pits on twigs
these are the soldiers left behind enemy lines
in pow camps
or the purple ache in my chest when I said
good bye
the upturned ground
fresh and dank with its new corpse to eat
stretch marks on my body
a map of how i've grown
that cavernous tiny hollow on my belly
my first mark of life
tied off and cut free
the most elemental liberty
for me to be me
numb
above or below
it doesn't matter anymore
out in plain view
or hidden beneath clothes
it has a consciousness of its own
dried up pits on twigs
these are the soldiers left behind enemy lines
in pow camps
or the purple ache in my chest when I said
good bye
the upturned ground
fresh and dank with its new corpse to eat
stretch marks on my body
a map of how i've grown
that cavernous tiny hollow on my belly
my first mark of life
tied off and cut free
the most elemental liberty
for me to be me
numb
above or below
it doesn't matter anymore
out in plain view
or hidden beneath clothes
it has a consciousness of its own
Sunday, August 31, 2008
Stranger
what are you doing?
i ask myself
each and every time.
who are you today?
how are you feeling?
i look into the mirror.
lately i've been doing things
thinking stuff
i don't recognize
i can't get her out of my mind
something has changed inside
i'm on the brink of discovery
hanging precariously over
the abyss
i won't be coming back
this time
i ask myself
each and every time.
who are you today?
how are you feeling?
i look into the mirror.
lately i've been doing things
thinking stuff
i don't recognize
i can't get her out of my mind
something has changed inside
i'm on the brink of discovery
hanging precariously over
the abyss
i won't be coming back
this time
The Spectator
i see her standing
up there on the stage
she is holding the world's gaze
in the palm of her hand.
i am in the back
of the room
holding court at the pool table
(i wish)
actually my friend is
ruling the table
and i am watching her.
i am a great spectator
and life is my sport
i watch the passes
the tight asses
of the girls as they pass
right through me.
i can't remember when
i turned invisible.
up there on the stage
she is holding the world's gaze
in the palm of her hand.
i am in the back
of the room
holding court at the pool table
(i wish)
actually my friend is
ruling the table
and i am watching her.
i am a great spectator
and life is my sport
i watch the passes
the tight asses
of the girls as they pass
right through me.
i can't remember when
i turned invisible.
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